I go down in

we're never letting go

2009-11-08T23:42:09Z

so last night was bowerbirds, we got a sandwich from my assistant manager who was selling food by the engine room and went home and played fallout, watched hey arnold, went to sleep. Woke up, did it, went to bagel bagel, got home and played fallout and got a boob massage. at work, workin hard and everyone likes me and LAKE tonight!

things haven't been so good.

I feel like a little kid lately

2009-10-29T16:50:53Z

antsy and unpersonable, craving sweets, my family and attention, lazy and longing for the outdoors, awkward and dumb. i just want to ride my bike, eat ice cream and junk food, and play video games, doodle. have my mom clean up my room. gettin' scared of monsters.

I'm great at being the worst

2009-10-28T07:56:42Z

If I could vomit I would. I don't know why I seem to hate my future. HOW DO I COLLEGE, CHRIST.

Hooray!

2009-10-25T16:09:26Z

Drunken debauchery, I've missed you

HUUUUURF

2009-10-22T22:52:29Z

I HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM
WHERE I AM

WHAT DA FUUUUUUUCK

Man fuck math

2009-10-12T21:01:21Z

I want to look like THIS for christmas

I'm so dumb

OH ADAM YOU RASCAL

2009-10-09T05:15:54Z

Just trying to get rid of the last GODDAMN THING ADAM DID HOW WACKY IT WAS.

Finally made room for everything I own, sort of. I can't wait to get rid of it all.. it's goin' slowly. Trying to get back to the artistic emotionally tormented kid I was in middle school, minus the chub. Better than the uninspired husk I am up here in Tally (chub still included).

I HAVE THE WORST IDOLS. NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD STUDENTS. I need to admire someone who is doing a good job at this college thing. Like Adam! What a smartie.

Until then, back to cleanin and prayin and lemon plannin.

Goddamn has there been a period in my life where I didn't hate myself? IF ANYONE REMEMBERS SUCH A TIME LET ME KNOW OKAY.

hermetically sealed?

2009-10-07T05:45:28Z

hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?hermetically sealed?

I am

2009-10-04T21:35:46Z

vindictive and angry and mean.

Wanting blood, wanting blood. Metaphorically of course.

HURK

2009-09-25T08:39:48Z

I keep flipping between wanting to be a stinky smelly kid who doesn't sleep and smokes instead of eats and leaving my room the way it looks right now, and wanting to go back on the raw diet and wanting to smell presentable and buying a bunch of clothes that make me look like a librarian.

Anyway finished my paper at 415 in the morning, hey-o.

GUYS

2009-09-08T02:19:32Z

GUYS I GOT SO MANY FEELINGS

SO MANY

GUYS I FEEL WAYS ABOUT STUFF, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A METAPHOR OR SOMETHING I DUNNO

ALSO MY BUTT STINKS

Procrastinating philoshophy homework

2009-09-03T06:40:59Z

stained skin days, frustrated days, the best are days when I run into lovely lady melissa and we go buy plexiglas and cactus and a compost bin. I want things to be movinggggg and they are.

I am amused that

2009-08-28T14:54:44Z

it took me a month to see that last entry.

The house is good (I forgot that I named it Hotel Yorba), classes are good (I want straight A's this semester and I am going to get them!), Adam is good and about to get busy. New Leaf is good now that I have cut down on my hours and spend much of my week far away, not thinking about vegetables. I want to become a photo lab assistant at TCC so I can still develop pacs. Fill up my time.

The roadtrip was like chocolate for a sweet tooth, so now I am not as pumped about going home. Is it terrible to say I'd rather snorkel with dolphins over seeing my brother's wedding? I know it is but I DON'T CARE.

I've talked to too many people about marine biology to be a puss about school anymore. C.D. makes me excited about my chances. Though FSU is a giant shit of a university and my dreams of my major are now drifting up the coast, to Providence.

don't smell my butt

2009-08-02T03:47:11Z

whatever you do don't smell it

it smells SO BAD

GOD MY BUTT SMELLS BAD IT SMELLS LIKE I GAVE BIRTH TO A TACO OUT OF MY ASS

Today was the reason

2009-07-23T04:02:43Z

for exploring all the cool places Tallahassee has to offer, and I see that I love art, and clutter, filling things up with love and friends. And learning. And music. And moving! Around I mean, though I am excited about my new haaauuuus.

dickin around

2009-06-24T14:59:00Z

Got this whole trip planned for the east coast and now my impulse is to get a pony, ride west. I've gotten boots, I need a hat. And the pony. But maybe I can wrassle one from somewhere, you know? Don't they have that island with the wild ponies on it on the east coast? Anyway the point is I wore my cowboy boots to work and I got called a sass factory which is WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

Nothing going on besides daydreams of riding through brush on horseback in the hot hot summer, in the night. When I'm chopping carrots at new leaf and staring blankly, that's what's in my head. Gallop gallop gallop.

my eeeaaarrrrs

2009-06-11T09:16:14Z

So sleepy that the world dissects itself and crawls along.

Fuck it fuck it again, I need a roadtrip. Cool dude friends in NC, Baltimore to track down Wham City, island hopping (to Adam Island), Providence hopefully, NYC is a maybe. Maybe I should. I'm in city moods along with my nature-cravings, and I think that's why I love roadtrips, because we dart through the endless green only to emerge in sunbathed concrete cages, openly disobeying their limits and running in and out as we please. In one day I stop at random beaches, photograph wildflowers, photograph urban decay, then crawl into bed on a sixth-floor apartment squeezed between skyscrapers. Maybe memories are blurring, but the idea is there.

Driving home tonight on flat 520, no other light in sight, and I feel like I'm trapped on that road; sleepy paranoia is getting the best of me! Black Dice definitely killed a few brain lobes and Animal Collective turned it into a religious experience.

~~I work best as a planning, storing, saving lady. I work best when I carry everything I need with me.~~ Okay so that's all fine and good and I think I could do that well, but that's not who I want to be. I want to be the kind of person that when melissa tells me there's a camping music festival outside of town, I hop in my car and we go. I want to compulsively love things more than I'm able. I want to let the fire in my legs burn itself out so I get into bed each night with no other thought in my head except one of total slumber. I want to let the speakers at shows pound the sound into every cell in my body. I never let it; I'm coated in fear, right above my epidermis, a thin layer of terror of the outside world. It never stops me from talking to creepy beach pedophiles or turning the wrong way into traffic, but it does stop me from hugging my grandma because her dog can't trust me. How could it? I'm afraid of pain that doesn't even hurt that bad.

I want someone to pierce my ears with a needle and apple.

/nonsensical morning rant

Friday I am going to stay in the St Augustine ocean forsoo long and no one will be there to pull me out. Today was amazing, everything's great, what heaven!

ANTHONYYYYYYY

2009-06-03T17:26:58Z

COMING HOME WHAAAAAAAAT

I'm excited but this means no new york road trip. What it DOES mean is that anthony will be within visiting distance and he can come party in Tallahassee with meeee (i have no idea if you even read my lj anthony hello).

But this changes my plans for august, for the eight days of freedom I have coming, but maybe I'll just take the time to get to know this state (and some of Georgia). Adam is worried about nothing getting done and I feel bad because I want to say Adam! Chillax you are very smart and things always work out in good ways or at least mediocre ones and soon you will be working so hard you will forget what sitting around feels like. Until then play drums until you poop (I assume you will read this eventually).

I'm crawling around Tallahassee like a flea and trying to learn her nooks and crannies, her subtle spots. I'm doing this raw diet thing, and man is it an amazing thing. I can't keep it up because it is so fucking EXPENSIVE to eat only uncooked fruits and veggies (and yummy, yummy pizza flax snacks) and make them taste good but damn, my energy levels are hiiigh (you could say over 9000 but it's not funny anymore). I bike to work, exactly four miles, work forever then bike home, and the bike home is so nice though I have to keep my mouth closed when I'm going downhill and getting covered in little beetles. When I don't have work to bike to, I run. My legs can't keep still. I need to clean my room enough so I have a spot to do yoga.

Tuesday I leave for home, and I already plan to lie about when I arrive so I can have some alone time with me and the Atlantic. This time next week I'lll be preparing to leave for Orlando, for Animal Collective and some other cool kids. Thursday I'll return home alone, but I'll be stopping in St. Augustine to eat at a raw vegan cafe and sit by the beach one more time before splitting west. It's a nice plan.

I miss some things.

The grain

2009-05-27T20:48:25Z

I neeeeed a day off, I just want to cleeean. I love history. I've been doing the raw diet thing, no cooked noms. Salads are my best friends.

Life is crazy and I want out of Tally. ANIMAL COLLECTIVE IN ORLANDO WHO IS COMING I WANT TO SEE EVERYBODY.

Feeling much better

2009-05-19T17:44:24Z

even though some asshole hit my car and I slept through class and I spent a bunch of money for the doctor lady to not tell me why my ear was bleeding.

I want to write a bunch of crappy vague poetic prose about this city and my problems with myself and the things I want to do and the conversations Adam and I have and the things I miss this summer but god that is so old.

I should write vague poetic prose about the asshole who hit my carr.

I am okay.

hey_lets_go @ 2009-05-18T10:48:00

2009-05-18T14:49:50Z

How self indulgent is this? Man my ear is fucking bleeding and all I want to do is type about how my life sucks and I never do anything because I'm FAT. I should be seeing a doctor what the fuck is wrong with me.

That last post

2009-05-16T21:56:42Z

Is pretty depressing and I'm just not in that mood anymore.

Gave up on my mission 101 list for now, but only because it's two and a half years years and intersecting college and college makes getting anything done besides college DIFFICULT. But I've gotten through one year, and then the world is my ocean. I'll make a shorter list for the next three years, and then the crazy huge one with all the crazy things I actually want to accomplish on it.

I think I just do better in the long run with a check off sheet.

There is heat all around, and I feel submerged in the ice cold water of a sink

2009-05-06T23:10:49Z

unable to feel the bottom. I just feel like I should've hit rock bottom at some point, you know? Like either I passed it or it's coming up, I can feel myself sinking into the water, but aside from the occasional mossy log there is an endless well beneath me. It's almost sickening how this comforts me; I'll never have to change, I'll never have to face myself. I waste and squander away precious time and I haven't chanted, haven't cooked, haven't biked, I had two days of freedom where I was confined to my apartment with some horrible period times but I didn't do anything to make myself better. I had all of this time this afternoon and I just rolled around with Adam and slept and watched Law and Order. I have to spend time and money retaking math because I blew it, I gave up, and frankly it's pure miracle I passed the rest of my classes. I'm fucking up my GPA, my chances at getting into FSU. I haven't said no to anything I've wanted to spend money on in weeks. I haven't read, done any art, eaten well, I haven't worked or lacked anything. On top of it all I'm doing the shittiest thing you can do to a significant other and I just expect Adam to forgive me and love me and understand me unconditionally. I'm angry when he doesn't react like Silver would. I'm terrible to people. I'm also getting fat. My apartment is a shit on the universe.

What does this say about me? What kind of person am I? I'll type it but I'm too afraid to answer the question. I make the motions of someone putting forth effort but inside I still just don't care, I can't ever care about anything. I wish I had an OCD- I wish I cared about each thing intensely, one by one. If I could hit some bottom and face myself, start fresh! I always dream of that. I always think some day I'll fuck up so badly it'll all break down and I can start over. But I have too much good luck and love. The only problem in the world is me, everyone else keeps me going.

I have class then work tomorrow, and I wish I didn't because otherwise I'd just buy some starbucks at a gas station and stay up all night. Caffeine highs made me feel like a real functioning human being with desires and motivation and everything. I don't want mine to be a life of loose ends and wasted time and dreams I never followed.

i like it in the butt

2009-04-29T14:12:44Z

i like it up my butt

also i have three boobs

Depressing lj post

2009-04-23T06:15:08Z

No actually my life is pretty sweet